Whenever we take time to sit in meditation, we can’t help but notice that there is a monologue going on inside our head most of the time. During moments of stillness, the tone and the patterns of the way we talk to ourselves become clearer—sometimes surprisingly so.
The voice creates an ongoing narrative about our lives and what is going on around us, together with judgement, rehearsal, remembering, and more. Throughout the day, we notice also that the voice is there, guiding us through the day, reminding us of the things we need to do, people we need to see, alerting us to what might be best to avoid or guiding us toward something that might feel very good.
And so on, and so forth.
The Inner Critic: A Familiar Voice
In this article, we’ll focus on the part of that voice that is less than pleasant, we’ll call it the “inner critique”. This voice reminds us of the ways we are falling short, maybe the reasons we are not getting what we want or not measuring up to the way we “should” be. Perhaps we missed a deadline, said something you regret, or did not reach to the level we expected. In those moments, the response from the inner voice might inject a subtle or not-so subtle dose of self-criticism:
- “I should have done better” “I should not have said/done that”
- “I should not be wasting my time/life”
- or worse: “Why do I always mess things up?”
- or much worse yet: “I’m not enough.”
This inner voice arises automatically. Over a lifetime, this inner critique becomes familiar and accepted. We may even learn to rely on self-criticism as a way to motivate ourselves. And to be fair, it can work to a degree as it pushes us to try harder or avoid mistakes.
I especially like the way philosopher and psychologist Eugene Gendlin puts it:
- “Most people are pretty unfriendly toward themselves most of the time. If you are like most people, you have treated yourself less like a friend than like a roommate you don’t like. You may grumble at yourself, maybe insult yourself at time, get impatient with yourself when things go wrong. You construct a model of the ideal person you wish you were, and then you condemn yourself because you are imperfect as measured against that ideal”
The Problem with Self-Judgment
Over time, this pattern comes at a cost. We may develop or accept as normal a pervasive sense that nothing we do is ever quite “enough”. This may create tension, free-floating anxiety, and at time a feeling of failure.
Self-judgment also creates an internal division, as if we are split into two parts: one that is flawed and one that is judging the flaw.
Here is Eugene Gendlin’s vivid language again:
- “You become like two people, one in prison and the other outside the prison cell. The outside person lectures or even insults the one inside, listing all the alleged faults of character that have supposedly led to the prisoner’s sorry plight. None of this helps the prisoner get out of his situation. When the lecture is over, the inner person is, as always stuck.”
This unfriendly or even harsh self-talk creates an inner split. It can leave us feeling discouraged, ashamed, or disconnected. For some, this may lead to becoming anxious or withdrawn, or it may foster an undercurrent of anger or depression.
A Solution: Practice Changing How We Talk to Ourselves
In Tara Brach’s words “Finding a way to make peace with our human imperfections is the ground of all healing.”
So, can we make peace with our imperfection and learn to change the tone or the pattern of our self-talk? Instead of fueling ourselves with criticism, could learn to motivate ourselves with kindness?
This can be described as a two-step practice:
- Letting go of the critical voice – Recognizing it, perhaps even thanking it for trying to help, and allowing it to move into the background.
- Introducing a new voice – Finding, accessing, discovering a different voice, a kinder, gentler voice that speaks to ourself the way a kind, wise, and caring friend would.
Step 1: Recognizing and Breaking the Habit
The practice looks like this:
- Recognize negative self-talk – Notice when judgment or harshness arises.
- Understand its impact – See clearly that this pattern is not serving our well-being.
- Pause the automatic response – Create a small space between the trigger and the reaction. This creates the opportunity to bring in another voice
- Offer a different response – As best we can and in our own way, we bring in words of kindness, understanding, and care. This is step 2.
Step 2: Finding the Compassionate Voice
You remember a time when you experienced pain, or disappointment, or challenges; or maybe things you wish you had not done; or I did not do the things you should have done – try to imagine what you would say if this was a good friend who had had this experience. What words and attitudes would you have for such a friend? It might be something like “oh I am sorry this happened to you – I hope you get better – I hope things better for you – I care about you”
Can we bring this same attitude to ourself, to our own struggles?
A compassionate voice might sound like this:
- “I know this is hard right now.”
- “I’m sorry you’re going through this.”
- “It’s okay to feel this way.”
- “You’re doing the best you can.”
Pairing these words with a simple soothing gesture—such as placing a hand over the heart or a shoulder—can deepen the effect. These gestures signal safety and care to the body, reinforcing the message of kindness.
Last words
If you read this note to the end, you may have worked out for yourself some pretty strong objections to the topic, as objections are many:
– I feel okay with myself, I am good – no need for self-care
– This is touchy-feely stuff and I am not good at this
– I am too flawed to be compassionate or forgiving about it
– I cannot be forgiven for what I did
– It is being soft on myself, letting me get away with things, letting myself off the hook
– Or maybe a religious objection: Only God can have compassion for me, or forgive me.
And these are all fair objections. But I invite you to try it for yourself, opening up to the inner monologue and investigating its working.
I invite you to trust that over time this practice will subtly change your inner wiring. The inner critic will not disappear entirely – it has its role to play after all – but it will lose its authority. Changing the way we talk to ourselves, the way we judge ourselves, will in time change the way we talk and we relate to others. We simply become more caring, more compassionate, more forgiving to all.
Explore What’s Next
If this reflection resonated with you, we invite you to take the next step. Visit our calendar of upcoming meetings and events to find opportunities to practice in community, deepen your understanding, and connect with others on the path. Whether you’re just beginning or returning to your practice, there’s a place for you here.