Narcissism is a hot topic these days. The term has nearly become a household word and it seems many people have discovered narcissistic people in their work, in their friends and in their homes. A search for narcissism on any social media platform will yield seemingly endless resources with attention-grabbing graphics and a search on Amazon yields over 2,000 results on narcissism. This article explores how to cope with a narcissistic person.
No doubt, for many of you reading this, you may have people you know springing to mind at this very moment.
It is a good sign that, as a culture, we have begun to recognize the dynamics and traits of narcissism all around us, near and far. But it remains difficult to recognize narcissism though, since the narcissism may show up as malicious, bombastic and domineering, but it can also manifest as being very generous, kind and very successful and appreciated out in the world. Whatever the flavor, the fact remains… narcissistic people can drive us to the edge of sanity.
How do narcissistic people affect us?
First, it is important to know that it is best to see narcissism as a spectrum disorder. On one end, there is simple selfishness. Then, perhaps self-centeredness, then perhaps narcissistic tendencies, then narcissistic traits, then perhaps a qualified diagnosis of Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD), which is considered a severe mental illness.
If you have had the experience of someone in your life who exhibits the upper end of the severity of narcissistic traits, then you know the pain that can come from being in a relationship with someone like this. Relationships with someone with NPD can affect every aspect of the self. It can affect people physically, emotionally, cognitively, socially, and spiritually.
What to do?
There are several steps we can take to begin the process:
• First, becoming able to quickly recognize narcissistic traits in others
• Second, learning how to protect oneself from the effects of narcissistic people
• Third, learning how to extricate ourselves from narcissistic relationships, or how to stay emotionally safe within the relationship
• And, finally, learning to decrease our susceptibility to involvement with narcissistic people
Recovery is possible and takes many routes
It is important to know that complete recovery from a narcissistic relationship is possible. It takes time and consistent effort. What research has found is that there are distinct stages of recovery from narcissistic domination in four main categories:
Recovery from a narcissistic relationship takes many routes
The First Phase
1. Recognizing that one is in a relationship with someone narcissistic
2. Learning to recognize the narcissist’s “playbook”
3. Be able to recognize that these behaviors, no matter how caring or reasonable they might seem, are designed to keep the person in the narcissistic loop.
4. Identifying our role in the relationships and changing our responses and patterns
5. Coping with all the emotions which surface as one realizes the extent of the pain, releases the hope of the narcissist being different, and begins the journey to heal themselves
6. Learning where there may be a precedent in our lives that make us susceptible to narcissistic domination in our family patterns and the patterns in our society and culture
Second Phase
1. Reducing or eliminating engaging with narcissistic dynamics in our life
2. Learning to act more and more upon our innate true nature as we resolve the shame that has kept us from connecting with our true selves
3. Finding a new meaning and a new purpose in life
4. Helping others accomplish what you have accomplished
5. Maintaining your personal and spiritual progress and freedom
6. Finding our inherent true personal value and self-worth and bringing that into the world
Does this sound like an impossible task? The above lists are from clinical experience. And two of the most effective tools for accomplishing these things are Mindfulness meditation and compassion exercises.
How can Mindfulness practices help us?
Mindfulness meditation is unique among the multitude of different forms of meditation. It has been practiced for many thousands of years in all the world’s major religions. And now there are literally thousands of research studies on the unique effects of mindfulness for mental health, decision-making, and general well-being.
The form of the practice is quite simple: relax, get quiet (the eyes can either be closed or half open (with a soft, unfocused gaze), and pay attention to what your mind is doing. And when a thought or emotion arises, simply be aware of what has arisen and let it go. That’s it…
Sound easy? Normally, when thoughts arise, we think about them and go off into imagined scenarios, try to fix things, solve problems, create a better future, or just ruminate on something terrible or wonderful. But, Mindfulness teaches us that, however real they might seem, they are all just thoughts. Or we try to suppress them or push them away. This tug of war with our thoughts leads to anxiety, depression, a host of other negative states and, ultimately to poor decision-making. How does this help us deal with narcissistic people?
First and foremost, we get better at tolerating painful emotions. And what this does for us is of key importance: we pause before reacting. When we pause, we respond. When we react, we are not thinking, just reacting. And that’s how we get stuck in difficult situations because we keep responding the same way to life’s challenges. We get the same results we always have. Mindfulness helps us be aware, pause, and choose a different response. Recovering from narcissistic domination takes time; many deep patterns need to change. Mindfulness is a great ally in the process.
How can the practice of Compassion and Self-compassion help us?
To be clear, at first, we are not talking about having compassion for the narcissist. Here, the compassion is for oneself. In the contemplative traditions of the world, mindfulness and compassion are almost always taught together. They are presented as two interlocking, essential components, like two wings of a bird. And, when we consider the benefits of mindfulness, it is truly an act of compassion toward oneself.
The dictionaries I’ve consulted for a definition of compassion, I feel are incomplete. The following definition I feel gets more of the true dynamics of compassion. It is from an article and talk by Dacher Keltner, a researcher at UC Berkeley’s Greater Good Science Center:
“Compassion literally means “to suffer together”. Among emotion researchers, it is defined as the feeling that arises when you are confronted with another’s suffering and feel motivated to relieve that suffering.”
In this definition, I would add a footnote on the word suffering and it refers to, typically, a state of pain or distress. I would substitute the verb endure. This allows for something of the human experience since when we experience pain, we try to resolve it somehow and to bear it until it comes to an end. Suffering is a noun, and endure is a verb. And suffering implies the human ability to meet and overcome life’s difficulties. Do we suffer through another hard winter or do we endure? When we endure, a positive outcome is implied through resilience.
There are many good practices that can help us generate compassion for ourselves when we are in need. There is much to be said in the way of clarifying what is and what is not compassion, there are many misunderstandings of the word, but we’ll leave that for another time.
Let it suffice to say at the moment, that most of us are living with compassion deficit to some degree. The deficit may be toward others, but the deficit is usually toward ourselves. Self-criticism seems to be the norm. The deficit may apply only to one area of one’s life, or it may be pervasive. Either way, the research on compassion and the teachings from the contemplative traditions consider compassion essential for our mental, emotional, physical and spiritual well-being. And if someone is in a relationship with someone who is narcissistic, one’s level of compassion toward their own self-needs develops.
The DCMC is founded upon and devoted to, helping people work through whatever life difficulties are being experienced. And we have found that Mindfulness and compassion are essential tools for doing so.
We hope to see you at some of our programs. And feel free to write to us if you have any questions.
May All Be Well…
Alfie Wishart, LPC, LCDC